I’ve been thinking a lot about how much I am NOT thinking a lot about this pregnancy. Does that make sense? With my first pregnancy I obsessed over everything! I kept track of what week I was, the fetus development, what foods I craved. But I am almost in my 3rd trimester (which I had to google to even recall when that starts!) and the realization that my family dynamic will change forever in a few short months still doesn’t feel real.
Recalling what week I am in has gotten so difficult that when people ask how far along I am I just answer with my due date. My husband is the one with the baby apps on his phone and keeps bringing up possible names for baby #2. I could only get myself to give baby#2 a name for my blog, Punkin. But for some reason choosing an actual name just isn’t as fun this time around. Maybe it’s because deciding on a name will make this real and then I will have to finally deal with all the secret emotions I have been hiding for so long.
I am already grieving the loss of the relationship I have with Little Man. He’s my little buddy and we do everything together. He knows I am always here and always have open arms for him. When the second one comes I know I that will change. My arms will be full a lot of the time and I won’t always be there to pick him up when he’s crying or cuddle him on the couch. I am scared Little Man will hate me for a while. I feel guilty for changing my son’s life so drastically yet I know this will be a good thing.
The worst part is the guilt I feel over the guilt. That I am not as involved in this pregnancy as the last one. That I am not as focused on Punkin and preparing for him as I did on Little Man. I’ve asked some of my girlfriends, who have recently had their second boy, when it became real to them and one said, “in the hospital. They put him in my arms and I was like ‘Oh you’re here!'” Anther said about a month before he was born when she started going through the clothes and organizing the room they would share. So maybe I’m not alone in this after all. Maybe I am just a hormonal ‘normal’ mess like all the other pregnant moms out there.
When did it start feeling real for you?