Nothing can prepare you for hearing the news that you will not be able to have biological children of your own. I experienced, for the first time, the vastness of loss and the strangeness of grieving for the loss of something I’d never actually had. This news though, did nothing to diminish my urge to be a mother. So now what?
The first step was hours and hours of research about options familiar and never heard of. The research was the comparatively easy part. The next step, my husband and I coming to a joint decision, was much more difficult. Ultimately, we decided we wanted to try to get pregnant with the help of an anonymous donor. Through the magic of modern medicine and ART (Assisted Reproductive Technology) it might be possible. And I so deeply desired to experience pregnancy and birth. So began a grand series of seemingly endless tests, ultrasounds, blood draws, pills, injections and the truly bizarre feeling that comes with trying to get pregnant in a doctor’s office. We tried six times. We failed six times. Now what?
We’d reached a point where we’d come too far to give up yet were so exhausted, stressed and defeated we didn’t know how we could move on. Like a mountain climber who’s found herself with a bad hold, unable to proceed and unable to retreat, I found myself in a frightening, frustrating, seemingly hopeless situation.
What became clear though, was how little we really cared about biology. What became clear was how desperately I’d been trying to hold on to my idea of how motherhood was supposed to happen. It was time to let that idea go. As my mind opened, my heart opened wider, and I took my first timid steps down the path to becoming an adoptive mom.
Did you have to adopt to give a loving home to a child?