Before I had kids, I was hip. Let me tell you. I had all sorts of moves, from my date night shuffle to the pro shopper swoop to the elliptical machine maneuver. I was in the action all the time, busting my butt from school to the gym to work and back. Since having my first baby, though, my moves seem to have…changed. I wouldn’t say they’ve fizzled so much as they’ve evolved into a whole new set of moves. Mom moves.
The slow backpedal
Glorious, glorious sleep! The kid is finally out after what seems like an eternity of coaxing at the crib or bedside. You slide your hand away and slowly slink backwards, cursing the creaky floors as they hinder your stealthy exit.
The deer in headlights
This move is similar to what I used to refer to as “the not-quite-morning after” back in my college days. Somehow you wound up stuck in that boy’s room across the hall (too many late-night bottles, perhaps?) and he’s passed the heck out. You decide to initiate the slow backpedal and start sneaking away slowly, quietly. All of the sudden, he inexplicably bolts upright and stares at you! You freeze. Maybe if you don’t move a muscle, he’ll roll back over and go to sleep and you can both forget this whole thing ever happened. Only now, those bottles are full of milk. And that boy is your screaming toddler.
The distracty dance
“It’s a bird, it’s a plane, it’s…nothing even remotely interesting at all!” Moms use a variety of distracting tactics to get their kids to look the other way when doctors are nearing with a needle or husbands are sneaking in the back door with holiday presents. Every kid seems to catch on to this by about the age of three, but that doesn’t stop us from trying.
One hand’s clutching the phone, the other’s stirring a pot on the stove and one foot is serving as a barrier to prod the kid in another direction. This flamingo stance is something of a bizarre landlubber’s eggbeater move, and is in every mom’s repertoire.
The tuck and roll
The kids are finally asleep…only problem is, they’re passed out on your arm. Getting out of this precarious situation involves some stealthy shuffling into their bedroom followed by the ever-so-gentle arm escape wiggle.
Have you picked up any new moves as a parent? Do you find yourself doing completely wacky maneuvers to keep your kids happy?