Raise your hand if you’re a liar of a parent. C’mon… it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Telling lies has to do with survival. When you have two toddlers, sometimes the only thing that saves your day is a fabulous little fib. Even the most honest, open-armed, mother-Earth kinds of mothers bend the truth to their kids when duty calls in the name of parenting. I remember my grandma’s sister (my great aunt, I guess) once telling me that eating onions would make my hair grow really, really long, all in the name of getting me to eat my veggies. (A part of me still believes her, lovingly.)
So, like any good mommy, I’m continuing this seemingly age-old tradition of lying to my children. Partly because it makes my life easier; mostly because it makes their life easier. They’ll figure out the truth when they’re older. But for now, these few fibs are working like a charm:
1) “The guy’s gonna come and kick us out.” Use this in case of incessant screaming, yelling or whining in a public place. I particularly enjoy using this at restaurants. You may’ve already read my reasoning behind this, but it still pretty much always does the trick. Probably my best work yet.
2) “It’s really Fairy Fruit Salad.” You guessed it: A wild fairy and all her fairy friends flew into our kitchen last night and made this just for YOU. They were so flattered about how both of you are such FANS of their movies and toys and games, they wanted to do something special. These fairies worked really hard making this salad for you. And now you’re NOT going to eat it? Please, try the Fairy Fruit Salad. It’ll make them so happy.
3) “If you jump off of that (or run or pull your sister’s arm, etc.) your head (or leg or arm or fingers) WILL FALL OFF, and we won’t be able to put them back on.” (I mean, this is sorta true, right?) If your head/leg/arm/fingers fall off, we’ll have to put them in a bag and throw them away… and then you won’t have anymore fingers, etc. Then what will we do? Cry…. a lot. And no one will be able to play with anything anymore. How sad.
4) “If we don’t take a bath, stinky bugs will crawl up your bottom and live there.” And then school will say, “EWWWWWW who stinks?” and not let you play with your friends. Do want spiders to live in your bum-bum? Now get in the bath before the bugs find us.
5) “This iced-tea is really medicine and tastes disgusting.” Yuk. Gross. (If they get really persistent and want to take a sip or something, and I really need to persuade, I start making wincing faces and sticking out my tongue. Don’t judge until you try it.)
6) “If we don’t go potty before bed, then we might pee-pee on the princesses, and they’ll wake up crying in the middle of the night.” I should note, I’m referring to the princesses on our bed sheets. And sometimes the ones that sleep beside us, too.
7) “The sound of thunder is really the sky shouting “hello!” at us.” Don’t cry, the sky is just trying to be friendly. It’s loud because it wants to make sure we can hear it because it’s very, very far away. It’s lonely. We should wave hello to the sky and say “hi” back so it feels better. (Waving out the window and shouting “hello! hello!” usually follows. What fear?)
8) “If you do not go to bed right now, we are NOT going to the beach tomorrow.” Unfortunately this is also a lie…you think I’m gonna sacrifice a perfectly good beach day just because my toddlers are super-excited? Ha. Oh well. But they don’t know that… they usually go back to bed. Shh…don’t tell them my secret.
So fess up! What do you fib about?